Episode 7: 'Revenge & the house of flies.'

*yawwwwn*

Out late again?

Mate, you look terrible.

Not exactly a stretch.

You two really do say the sweetest things. And NO, for your information I-

All you’ve done, since your “parole” ended, is go out.

(It has been a while.)

For your-

..and go to the cinema.

Fucksake! When you’re quite done. No! I wasn’t out. It’s her fault.

What?

“Her”.

The neighbour?

Flip, didn’t you and her once..?

..go out? Yes, but that was ages ago-

Before she binned you for being “boring”.

Thanks mate..

Anyway! What about her?

She binned another one.

Oh…fuck…no.

Can we stop saying “binned”, please?

Yes.

(And no.)

She’s been partying for the last week.

Only you’ve not been home to hear it.

Does anyone know why she bin- split up with this one?

So, for the last night of my week off, I decided to do the sensible, grown-up thing-

*snigger*

..and have a good night’s kip.

…Oh my god. You can still hear it now!

What is that?

Sounds like Deep House to me.

No, I mean…she must have a dozen people crammed into that tiny-arsed flat!

And there you see my dilemma, dear Ruby:

Bit o Music: fine.

Chatter: no probs.

It’s the drunken fucking singing that really gets on my tits; twisted bastards were singing The Beautiful South at 6:00AM! And with my room being the closest, they might as well have sold me tickets…or at least invited me.

Would you have gone?

Wouldn’t have gotten any sleep either way. At least there I might have copped a few free samples, maybe a little cheeky under-the-shirt action.

You’re disgusting.

*singing* Jealousyyy!

Besides, I don’t think she’s like that.

Who, “her”?

Ha! Not “like that”? You should have heard her with the last bloke!

Shut up, Lee..

..if I ever meet the guy, I need to shake his hand. The man was a genius by all accounts. She sounded like cats fighting.

Uh, mate..

Cats with Tourettes! I mean, I know I fucking swear, but that girl can really……what?

Enough.

Sorry Flip. I’m just delirious through lack of sleep.

So she’s only like this when she’s single?

Don’t get any ideas, Ellen Degenres. She’s all about the kilbasa.

Thanks for that..

Any time.

It’s ten in the morning. How are they still up?

*sniffing noises*

(Ahh, the Colombian Flu.)

And you went out with this girl, Flip?

She seemed nice.

Pretty. Funny. Closet sniff-head. Goes like a-

Ahem!

I guess you never really know a person, do you?

More importantly, how do we get this to stop? Other than finding “her” another dick to-

Jeezus Lee!

You could always go round and ask her.

I was thinking more about feeding a sack of bluebottles in through her letter box.

Do you know anywhere that sells them by the sack-full?

..or complain to the building manager.

Where’s the fun in that? Now, Ruby, you’re pretty well connected.

*door opens and closes*

..where can I find a gimp suit, a fedora, a sack full of maggots and a CD of the magic roundabout theme?

(Answers on a postcard.)

Normally I would tell you to get stuffed. But we owe this bitch one, for Flip, so I’m in. Just let me get my address book…

*door opens and closes*

Where did you vanish off to? You didn’t tell the building manager, did you?

Hey, the noise’s stopped; maybe they’ve decided to pack it in.

Kind of..

You didn’t ask “her” our again?

Nope.

Did you punch her in her stupid pretty nose?

Erm, nope.

Lob a crate of locusts in and then jam the door?

God, no.

(This could go on for a while. For the sake of the spectator I have trimmed the next five minutes of suggestions.)

Ok, go on..

It better not be something crap, Flip, after all that.

I just knocked on, spoke to one of “her” friends, and told them I’d run into the police downstairs, and that they’d drug tested me as part of a brand new, mandatory crack-down on all twenty-somethings in the area.

Thought it was worth a try.

You sir…are a genius.

Very, very well played. Flip 1: Sniff-heads 0.

Thanks guys. Hehe, now who’s the boring one.

Episode 6: 'A plate-ful of antihistamine.'

*A-choo!* Bollocks… *A-choo!* Shit.. *Wa-choo!* Fuck my life!

What’s the matter, Lee? Are you sick? 

No-

I thought Reapers were immunised against all illness?

 

They are, though apparently not hayfever. Funny bunch of fuckers my lot, eh.

(Alleged cost-cutting. Prevention vs cure and all. Still somewhat amusing, to the non-sufferers at least.)

Do you mind! Some of us actually did our jobs last night!

Sorry Ruby.

*A-choo!*Sniff* The Faerie (plural), however, are protected from every-bastard-thing; either Flipsider born or otherwise. *Sniff*

Sadly, selective deafness wasn’t part of the package, though you two seem fully equipt. Shh!

*tap*tap*tap*tap*

…now what do you think you’re doing?

Have you never seen a Reaper racking up lines of antihistamine before?

Um, Lee, I don’t think you’re supposed to-

They can’t make me any worse.

It comes in pill form for a reason, idiot.

Direct delivery my dear Ruby, direct delivera..a..ah..*A-CHOO!*

…Are you alright mate?

…Hunky-fucking-dory, Flip. Apart from the plate-ful of ground up antihistamines now scattered about my person.

*Snort*

Fuck off, Ruby.

*Snort* (followed by breathless gasps of laughter)

Right! That’s it! Flip?

Yeah.

You’ve killed someone before, right?

No-
 
First time for everything then, eh?

I’ll do it!

Of course. On your way back from ‘get to fuck’ and ‘no-chance’.

Now you’re just being dramatic.

*A-choo!* Dramatic...?

Yeah, man up and get through it. 

You’ve never sneezed til you’ve bled before, have you, Ruby?

…good point.

Did you know that it is physically impossible to sneeze with your eyes open?

Well then, seen as killing myself appears to be out of the question, I’m sure testing that theory will cause the next few days to fly by… How long is summer again?

Bout’ three months.

(Luckily for Lee, we are inhabitants of Great Britain: a country –or collection of- where the seasons, and indeed the weather, are in a state of permanent flux. Must have something to do with it being the centre of the universe…but you didn’t hear that from me.)

Episode 5: 'A legitimate transaction.'

Man this is sooo gay. No offence. 

None taken. 

Tell me, why did I agree to this again? 

For the ninth time, Lee, we flipped a coin and you lost. Ergo Flip got to choose the game. 

You can stop grinning for starters, Dungeon Boy. 

It’s either this or brave the rain? Pub? 

Hey-

No thanks. It’s pissing and, if possible, shitting it down out there! Even the nearly deceased appear to be putting plans on hold.

   
See-

Yeah but I bet they’re not as sad as we three right now, not by a long shot.

You just need to get into it. It’s fun. Bit of escapism.

OK. And what do I need to roll to escape this nightmare?

You could always check your player sheet. It’ll be right there under the attribute of ‘being a whining little bitch’.

Da-dum-tish!

You can talk, Ms Evil Fairy! I thought this game was about escapism. At least Flip chose a super-mega-barbarian.

Um, Berzerker- 

Whatever! Ok let’s get on with it. But bare in mind, as soon as the heavens decide to shake and zip up, I’m gone.

Small mercies.

OK...We’re in a tavern-

Argh! Stick the knife in why don’t you.

Where would you like it stuck?

Ahem! We’re in a tavern. The bar is quiet, save for a few solitary individuals occupying the outer booths. The bar wench greets you with a cheery wave.

Is she fit?

What does that have to do with it?

Just trying to paint a mental picture.

Oh, now you feel like playing…

I have a soft spot for the humble bar maid. Now, shh! We’re on a mission.

Flip, what do I need to roll to chat the wench up?

Seriously?

Shh! Escapism!

Fine. Roll two D10s.

Ok, here goes…………erm, Flip?

Is that even possible?

What did you- HA! Snake eyes, bitch! Well, what do you know, art imitates life after all!

Flip, stop laughing. And you can shut up, Roobs. When was the last time you pulled?

Not since your sister was last in town.

(They don’t talk about that.)

Not cool.

Flip, you’re Game Master. Can I get a re-do?

Umm-

No!

It’s only a game. Come on!

What purpose does ‘shagging the bar maid’ serve anyway?

..she might know something?

Exactly!

Flip! Don’t help him. Christ! It’s like Friday night re-visited.

I don’t know what you mean.

Poking the bar staff is not considered a legitimate transaction. I don’t care what country you’re in.

That’s bollocks for a start. She was totally into me!

We’re not playing any more, are we?

Doesn’t look like it. Sorry mate.

Besides, her t-shirt clearly said "Just the tip".

(Ironically, Lee’s sister owns the same shirt.)

Episode 4: ‘A fun and enriching experience?’

OK, you all know a little about me (It is his story after all). Thought it was about time you learned a little about my weird and wonderful housemates. Flip, you’re up. 

Um, my name is Phillip- 

Flip, you’ve got 25 words or less to describe yourself. Let’s start with things they don’t already know. 

Who are ‘they’ anyway? 

Shh! Go. 

I’m originally from Romford, Essex. 

Good. 

I’m a Postman by day- 

Bellend by night. 

Leave him alone, Lee! Carry on Flip, you’re doing well. 

Uh, I have a degree in Computing. 

Snore. 

Christ, Lee- 

Christ is my middle name. You know this, Ruby. (He’s kidding. His middle name is Alan.) 

My father is a human, mother is a Witch. 

Bzz! That’s your limit. Ruby, your turn. Go. 

Born in Manchester. Parents both dead. Tooth Faery since I was 17. Living with these two for three years. Favourite colour: red.  Can I go now? 

By my count you still have two words left. 

I’ve got two words for you, Lee. Here’s a clue: the second one's ‘off’. 

You can stop sniggering for a start Postman Prat! 

I thought you said sharing was going to be “a fun and enriching experience”? 

Yeah, what was the point in all this? 

Firstly, your impression of me is crap. (I laughed.) Second, with our hectic, young-person lifestyles it feels like we never get time out to smell the roses. 

All you have is time out! 

Are you forgetting my current situation? I’m being watched, remember?

Um, what does being “watched” actually mean. 

No more skiving. Ha! Gutted! 

O-contraire my dear wing-less Fairy. It only means I will have to manage my workload more creatively.

Oh yeah? Do tell oh Grim Skiver.

I…I…Ahh. Give me a week and I’ll have cracked it. I’m great at reading people; one of the perks of the job.

(There are many “perks” to being a Reaper. However, after Lee lost his first Reaping Blade, two days in, he was subsequently granted the same level of influence as your average work experience placement. He still doesn’t know.)

Episode 3: 'Breakfast (with a side-order of culture)'

OK, so maybe I handled my meeting with the council badly. One or two escaped souls is NOT that big a deal. Besides, it’s not like Reaping is something you can pick up in a day. A decade later and I’m still honing my craft.

Between trips to the cinema.

What can I say, Flip, I’m a man of culture.

I would hardly call ‘comic book movies’ culture, Lee.

‘The Dark Knight Rises’ was a cinematic masterpiece, Ruby! (True.) Besides, after meeting Mr Fuckswithlee, I think my ‘cultural expeditions’ are going to be somewhat limited for the time being.

It says here your Watcher’s name is Mr Smith?

Is there any toast left? I think I’m beginning to eat a hole in my own stomach through sheer starvation.

Thanks for that.

My pleasure. I do enjoy our little supper-time chats.

Supper-time? What are you, 7? Besides, it’s Flip’s (and the rest of the Flipsider world’s) breakfast time.

Gotta love the night shifts Roobs. I intend to start loving mine again, soon as I can get rid of Mr Fuckmylife.

A-hem. Smith.

I know!

He sounds strict.

Strict! Flip. The guy makes Adolf Hitler look like Barney the fucking dinosaur…plus he’s a racist.

Don’t talk shit.

I’m serious. Soon as he heard my melodious Irish tones I swear I saw his eyes harden.

It could also have been that t-shirt you’re wearing…

“My boss is a cun-”

My mum bought me this shirt!

(Also true.)

Episode 2: 'A Reaper, a Tooth Faery and a Flipsider walk into a bar..'

Typical! You inadvertently allow a couple of spirits to wander free-

Seven.

Exactly! A couple; allowed to temporarily escape the fast track to their final resting place, and for that they slap you with gross negligence. Bit extreme, no? Public transport isn’t exactly the equivalent of a firey-eyed steed, far from it. I’d like to see the council track down a fat bloke called Jeff who’s one Ginsters off his final heart-attack, on a bus, during rush hour. I mean, I’m good at my job-

But?

But that’s crazy. What do they think I am?

Employee of the month?

Employee off the month!

Why do I feel like we’ve had this conversation before?

 

I don’t think it helped that you called the head of the council a “bell-end”.

What can I say, Flip, I was lost in the moment. (Plus, he is!)

He is your uncle. 

Pah!

So, now what?

Now my dear Ruby, now…um…I…

It says here that you’re on probation.

Well that doesn’t sound too bad.

For six months-

What?! Flip, please tell me you're joking.

Might teach you not to be so blasé about your duties.

You can talk, Mrs ‘left an entire night’s worth of I.O.U notes so she could take a taxi home.’

It was raining. Besides, I paid them all didn’t I?

(Bet that confused the little’uns no-end.)

Another round?

Same again Flip.

Aye, cheers man.

It says here that I am to “report to my appointed Watcher who will then accompany me throughout my duties twice weekly”. For fucks sake!

…You never know, she might be totally fit?

Yes, and pre-paid credit cards might suddenly start shooting out of my arse. I’ll bend, you check…

Pass.

 

My Nan’s a Watcher you know.

Case in point.

Episode 1: 'Introductions & The Snickers Hook-up'

Hi. Lee’s the name, and Reaping’s the game (and what a depressing fucking game it is too). Many of you English-speaking Flips might refer to me as a Grim Reaper. Yes. I said ‘a’, as in ‘one of many’. You didn’t seriously think it was just one severely anorexic bloke ushering all the post-mortal souls off, did you? Same deal with the Santa Clause, although those guys have an excuse to stop for a snack, keeping up appearances and all.

Ok so that’s one introduction and two myths unravelled in a single paragraph. At this rate I’ll be able to explain the whole ‘42’ thing sooner or later.

Have you quite finished? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Oh yeah. That’s Ruby. She’s a Tooth-Faery (spell it the other way at your own peril). Lovely girl after she’s had a good night’s kip. Why you ask did she choose a career path dominated by perpetual night-shifts, or as I like to call em’ ‘The Graveyard Shift’? Simple. She didn’t. None of us chose our path. Yeah yeah fate’s a bitch and all that. Ours, like most jobs, become palatable once you get past the initial revulsion and (in some cases) three hours dry-gagging.

You want a cuppa, Lee?

Cheers Flip. That’s Phillip, or as we call him Flip. He’s a Flipsider (i.e. persona non-speciale). He seems happy with it. Now, you’re probably asking yourselves what a Reaper, a Tooth Faery and a human are doing living together. Want me to re-phrase it in the form of a joke: A Flipsider, a Reaper and a Tooth Faery walk into a bar-

Jesus Christ Lee! One more peep out of you and I’m going to ram these pliers-

Oops. The Kraken awakes. Anyway. The answer you’re searching for is the same as why a lot of post-grads our age stack up in one pokey inner-city gaf: money (or lack thereof). Now you might think that Reaping or Tooth…Faery-ing(?) rakes in the doh. Sadly the accounts department prefer to think of them as more of a vocational pass-time. Oh, they pay for travel (and the occasional Snickers. I know a guy. Shh. Will tell you later.) but that’s about it. Not quite figured out where the money comes from (answers on a post-card) but it doesn’t mean there isn’t nightly speculation.

Post for you mate.

Cheers. Please not a bill. Not a bill. Come on promotion. Give me money! Lemme see the stacks of green! I wanna get me some…

What?

Lee? What’s the matter?

I’ve, um, been…fired.

(...bollocks.)