Episode 4: ‘A fun and enriching experience?’

OK, you all know a little about me (It is his story after all). Thought it was about time you learned a little about my weird and wonderful housemates. Flip, you’re up. 

Um, my name is Phillip- 

Flip, you’ve got 25 words or less to describe yourself. Let’s start with things they don’t already know. 

Who are ‘they’ anyway? 

Shh! Go. 

I’m originally from Romford, Essex. 

Good. 

I’m a Postman by day- 

Bellend by night. 

Leave him alone, Lee! Carry on Flip, you’re doing well. 

Uh, I have a degree in Computing. 

Snore. 

Christ, Lee- 

Christ is my middle name. You know this, Ruby. (He’s kidding. His middle name is Alan.) 

My father is a human, mother is a Witch. 

Bzz! That’s your limit. Ruby, your turn. Go. 

Born in Manchester. Parents both dead. Tooth Faery since I was 17. Living with these two for three years. Favourite colour: red.  Can I go now? 

By my count you still have two words left. 

I’ve got two words for you, Lee. Here’s a clue: the second one's ‘off’. 

You can stop sniggering for a start Postman Prat! 

I thought you said sharing was going to be “a fun and enriching experience”? 

Yeah, what was the point in all this? 

Firstly, your impression of me is crap. (I laughed.) Second, with our hectic, young-person lifestyles it feels like we never get time out to smell the roses. 

All you have is time out! 

Are you forgetting my current situation? I’m being watched, remember?

Um, what does being “watched” actually mean. 

No more skiving. Ha! Gutted! 

O-contraire my dear wing-less Fairy. It only means I will have to manage my workload more creatively.

Oh yeah? Do tell oh Grim Skiver.

I…I…Ahh. Give me a week and I’ll have cracked it. I’m great at reading people; one of the perks of the job.

(There are many “perks” to being a Reaper. However, after Lee lost his first Reaping Blade, two days in, he was subsequently granted the same level of influence as your average work experience placement. He still doesn’t know.)

Episode 3: 'Breakfast (with a side-order of culture)'

OK, so maybe I handled my meeting with the council badly. One or two escaped souls is NOT that big a deal. Besides, it’s not like Reaping is something you can pick up in a day. A decade later and I’m still honing my craft.

Between trips to the cinema.

What can I say, Flip, I’m a man of culture.

I would hardly call ‘comic book movies’ culture, Lee.

‘The Dark Knight Rises’ was a cinematic masterpiece, Ruby! (True.) Besides, after meeting Mr Fuckswithlee, I think my ‘cultural expeditions’ are going to be somewhat limited for the time being.

It says here your Watcher’s name is Mr Smith?

Is there any toast left? I think I’m beginning to eat a hole in my own stomach through sheer starvation.

Thanks for that.

My pleasure. I do enjoy our little supper-time chats.

Supper-time? What are you, 7? Besides, it’s Flip’s (and the rest of the Flipsider world’s) breakfast time.

Gotta love the night shifts Roobs. I intend to start loving mine again, soon as I can get rid of Mr Fuckmylife.

A-hem. Smith.

I know!

He sounds strict.

Strict! Flip. The guy makes Adolf Hitler look like Barney the fucking dinosaur…plus he’s a racist.

Don’t talk shit.

I’m serious. Soon as he heard my melodious Irish tones I swear I saw his eyes harden.

It could also have been that t-shirt you’re wearing…

“My boss is a cun-”

My mum bought me this shirt!

(Also true.)

Episode 2: 'A Reaper, a Tooth Faery and a Flipsider walk into a bar..'

Typical! You inadvertently allow a couple of spirits to wander free-

Seven.

Exactly! A couple; allowed to temporarily escape the fast track to their final resting place, and for that they slap you with gross negligence. Bit extreme, no? Public transport isn’t exactly the equivalent of a firey-eyed steed, far from it. I’d like to see the council track down a fat bloke called Jeff who’s one Ginsters off his final heart-attack, on a bus, during rush hour. I mean, I’m good at my job-

But?

But that’s crazy. What do they think I am?

Employee of the month?

Employee off the month!

Why do I feel like we’ve had this conversation before?

 

I don’t think it helped that you called the head of the council a “bell-end”.

What can I say, Flip, I was lost in the moment. (Plus, he is!)

He is your uncle. 

Pah!

So, now what?

Now my dear Ruby, now…um…I…

It says here that you’re on probation.

Well that doesn’t sound too bad.

For six months-

What?! Flip, please tell me you're joking.

Might teach you not to be so blasé about your duties.

You can talk, Mrs ‘left an entire night’s worth of I.O.U notes so she could take a taxi home.’

It was raining. Besides, I paid them all didn’t I?

(Bet that confused the little’uns no-end.)

Another round?

Same again Flip.

Aye, cheers man.

It says here that I am to “report to my appointed Watcher who will then accompany me throughout my duties twice weekly”. For fucks sake!

…You never know, she might be totally fit?

Yes, and pre-paid credit cards might suddenly start shooting out of my arse. I’ll bend, you check…

Pass.

 

My Nan’s a Watcher you know.

Case in point.

Episode 1: 'Introductions & The Snickers Hook-up'

Hi. Lee’s the name, and Reaping’s the game (and what a depressing fucking game it is too). Many of you English-speaking Flips might refer to me as a Grim Reaper. Yes. I said ‘a’, as in ‘one of many’. You didn’t seriously think it was just one severely anorexic bloke ushering all the post-mortal souls off, did you? Same deal with the Santa Clause, although those guys have an excuse to stop for a snack, keeping up appearances and all.

Ok so that’s one introduction and two myths unravelled in a single paragraph. At this rate I’ll be able to explain the whole ‘42’ thing sooner or later.

Have you quite finished? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Oh yeah. That’s Ruby. She’s a Tooth-Faery (spell it the other way at your own peril). Lovely girl after she’s had a good night’s kip. Why you ask did she choose a career path dominated by perpetual night-shifts, or as I like to call em’ ‘The Graveyard Shift’? Simple. She didn’t. None of us chose our path. Yeah yeah fate’s a bitch and all that. Ours, like most jobs, become palatable once you get past the initial revulsion and (in some cases) three hours dry-gagging.

You want a cuppa, Lee?

Cheers Flip. That’s Phillip, or as we call him Flip. He’s a Flipsider (i.e. persona non-speciale). He seems happy with it. Now, you’re probably asking yourselves what a Reaper, a Tooth Faery and a human are doing living together. Want me to re-phrase it in the form of a joke: A Flipsider, a Reaper and a Tooth Faery walk into a bar-

Jesus Christ Lee! One more peep out of you and I’m going to ram these pliers-

Oops. The Kraken awakes. Anyway. The answer you’re searching for is the same as why a lot of post-grads our age stack up in one pokey inner-city gaf: money (or lack thereof). Now you might think that Reaping or Tooth…Faery-ing(?) rakes in the doh. Sadly the accounts department prefer to think of them as more of a vocational pass-time. Oh, they pay for travel (and the occasional Snickers. I know a guy. Shh. Will tell you later.) but that’s about it. Not quite figured out where the money comes from (answers on a post-card) but it doesn’t mean there isn’t nightly speculation.

Post for you mate.

Cheers. Please not a bill. Not a bill. Come on promotion. Give me money! Lemme see the stacks of green! I wanna get me some…

What?

Lee? What’s the matter?

I’ve, um, been…fired.

(...bollocks.)